Contributed by Vivaldo J. Breternitz

Standard Phrases for Academic Appraisal

Productive researcher: Publishes students' work under own name
Prolific writer: Publishes identical article in different journals
Research oriented: Can't teach
Teaching oriented: Can't research
Loyal: Unemployable elsewhere
Conscientious: Appears on campus more than three times a week
Charismatic: Gives frequent TV interviews
Exceptionally well qualified: Has a degree from the same university as the Dean
Committed to the university: Appears at every cocktail party
Slightly below average: Hopeless
Listens well: Has no original ideas
Shows great promise: Is related to the Dean
Internationally recognized: Likes to go to conferences
Active socially: Drinks a lot
Career minded: Buys drinks for the Dean
Remarkably intelligent: Listens without yawning
Regular attendance: Can't find work as a consultant and/or unhappy home life
Visionary: Can't handle paperwork
Qualifies for salary increase: Still breathing
Popular with students: Finishes lectures early or drinks at pub, or never fails anyone
Very popular with students: Does all three

Love is photogenic, it needs darkness to develop.
A good discussion is like a miniskirt, short enough to pertain interest and long enough to cover the subject!
Children in backseats cause accidents, accidents in backseats cause children!
A girl is like a road, the more curves she has the more dangerous she is!
Your future depends on your dreams, so go to sleep!
There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning!
"ALCOHOL KILLS SLOWLY". So what? Who's in a hurry?
"Hard work never killed anybody", but why take the risk! (I don't want to be an exception!)
"Work fascinates me", I can look at it for hours!
God made relatives, thank God we can choose our friends.
My girlfriend ran away with my best friend and I really miss him!
When two's company, three's the result!
Confucius say... Man who keep feet firmly on ground, has trouble putting on pants.
Confucius say... If you want pretty nurse, you got to be patient.